Times were much simpler back in the days of the Bible. They didn’t have these pointless distractions like school or work. No, they usually had a lot of time on their hands which came in handy when trying to think up cool stuff to do. Take, for instance, David. When he was a young lad, his father made him get a summer job as a shepherd. Now, you may not know the job description of a shepherd so let me try to explain it to you the best way I know. You watch sheep. Occasionally at the end of the month you would take inventory but that was only if the boss was having a bad day. So, needless to say, David had a lot of time to think up cool stuff to do. So David did what any teenage boy would do if he had time to spare. He killed bears and lions. With. His. Bare. Hands. Was Bear Grylls doing that when he was 13? I don’t think so.
The sun is going down, but that’s okay. I can drink my urine for warmth.
So here are 5 things that would be way awesomer if we would have just done what the Bible did. Starting with:
# 5: Dating
How we do it:
In our society, the period of courtship is usually when couples get to know each other and decide whether either would be suitable for marriage. The couples typically go out on social excursions called “dates” . These dates usually consist of going to a movie, eating out at a nice restaurant, or mud wrestling with cousin Jimmy.
Pictured above: Cousin Jimmy
How the Bible did it: Genesis 29:15-30
15 Laban said to him, “Just because you are a relative of mine, should you work for me for nothing? Tell me what your wages should be.”16 Now Laban had two daughters; the name of the older was Leah, and the name of the younger was Rachel. 17 Leah had weak[a] eyes, but Rachel had a lovely figure and was beautiful. 18 Jacob was in love with Rachel and said, “I’ll work for you seven years in return for your younger daughter Rachel.”19 Laban said, “It’s better that I give her to you than to some other man. Stay here with me.” 20 So Jacob served seven years to get Rachel, but they seemed like only a few days to him because of his love for her.21 Then Jacob said to Laban, “Give me my wife. My time is completed, and I want to make love to her.”22 So Laban brought together all the people of the place and gave a feast. 23 But when evening came, he took his daughter Leah and brought her to Jacob, and Jacob made love to her. 24 And Laban gave his servant Zilpah to his daughter as her attendant.25 When morning came, there was Leah! So Jacob said to Laban, “What is this you have done to me? I served you for Rachel, didn’t I? Why have you deceived me?”26 Laban replied, “It is not our custom here to give the younger daughter in marriage before the older one. 27 Finish this daughter’s bridal week; then we will give you the younger one also, in return for another seven years of work.”28 And Jacob did so. He finished the week with Leah, and then Laban gave him his daughter Rachel to be his wife. 29 Laban gave his servant Bilhah to his daughter Rachel as her attendant. 30 Jacob made love to Rachel also, and his love for Rachel was greater than his love for Leah. And he worked for Laban another seven years.
I know you didn’t read all that so here is basically what happens. Jacob is running away from his brother, Esau, who wants to kill him. Whatever, just your typical sibling relationship. Jacob goes to his uncle Laban’s house. Jacob decides to work for Laban on his farm and in a surprising twist of events, Laban asks Jacob to name his salary. If only it worked that way now.
You do realize that most fry cooks don’t make $100,000 annually, don’t you?
Jacob in another surprising twist asks in return his first cousin Rachel. (Don’t hate, everybody was kinned back then…plus it said she was hot.) However instead of dating her, Jacob wanted to work seven years for her. Now Laban was probably questioning Jacob’s intelligence at that moment but he realized that was a way better offer than Sean, the emo kid from next door, had given.
I’m so misunderstood
When Jacob had finished his seven years of work, Laban, realizing how much got done in those seven years, decided he didn’t want it to end. So instead of giving Rachel to Jacob, Laban gives his older, uglier, and we’re going to assume fatter daughter, Leah, to Jacob. Laban was pretty sure Jacob wasn’t going to know given the intellectually stimulating bargaining session they had earlier. Well when morning came, and the light hit Leah’s face, she must have been so repulsive that even Jacob took notice. Jacob went back to Laban and calmly asked, “Yo, why you trippin’, dog?” Laban replied, ” Black, black, no trade back.” Laban suggested that another seven years of work would suffice for his daughter Rachel. Jacob, thinking clearly as ever, agreed. So Jacob ended up getting two wives out of the deal along with 14 years of dating, and by dating we mean 14 years of back-breaking labor.
P.S.- We made fun of Jacob’s intelligence way too much in this section. Now we don’t know what he scored on his SAT, but there is a country named after him so he can’t be all that dumb.
#4: Electing Representatives
How we do it:
Hopefully most everyone reading this has taken a civics class so we’re going to assume you know how the electoral process works. If not, let me summarize: The candidates are judged on their talents, appearance, and how they answer questions. Then we elect the most attractive and popular one. This process has never failed to give us the right representative so if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.
Well, maybe a little maintenance wouldn’t hurt
How the Bible did it: Acts: 1:23-26
23 So they nominated two men: Joseph called Barsabbas (also known as Justus) and Matthias. 24 Then they prayed, “Lord, you know everyone’s heart. Show us which of these two you have chosen 25 to take over this apostolic ministry, which Judas left to go where he belongs.” 26 Then they cast lots, and the lot fell to Matthias; so he was added to the eleven apostles.
The same way we should decide everything in life. By leaving it all up to chance. There were two candidates available to replace Judas as a disciple: Justus and Matthias. Instead of using a stupid system like voting, they went all Rounders up in there and decided to cast lots, ironically remembering to ask God’s opinion before they did it. Now we don’t condone gambling but we do condone prayer. However, mixing the two…we’ll leave that lost art to the disciples.
Lord, Queen of Diamonds on the river and I promise you got ten percent coming back you’re way. Amen.
# 3: Dieting
How we do it:
Help! I’ve got sausage fingers! Does anyone know of a way to lose weight without eating healthy or doing exercise?
You better hope your wallet is fat, too.
Most diet programs today promise amazing results by eating what you want and doing little to no exercise. While this may work for that coworker down the hall who makes you so mad because she can eat anything she wants and still not gain a pound (seriously, is it witchcraft or something), for the rest of us who eat half a french fry and then suddenly gain two more chins, we need a diet that works. Most of us normal people can’t function on wheatgrass soup and then struggle to do two push-ups for our workouts at night. (Admit it, they were women’s push-ups, weren’t they.) That’s why most people just give up and decide to make healthier choices, like choosing a quarter pounder when you are so craving a double.
You know what, go ahead and make it a double…with extra bacon.
How the Bible did it: Daniel 1: 11-16
11 Daniel then said to the guard whom the chief official had appointed over Daniel, Hananiah, Mishael and Azariah, 12 “Please test your servants for ten days: Give us nothing but vegetables to eat and water to drink. 13 Then compare our appearance with that of the young men who eat the royal food, and treat your servants in accordance with what you see.” 14 So he agreed to this and tested them for ten days.15 At the end of the ten days they looked healthier and better nourished than any of the young men who ate the royal food. 16 So the guard took away their choice food and the wine they were to drink and gave them vegetables instead.
Daniel not only recommended wheatgrass soup, he washed it down with a lima bean smoothie.
Daniel and friends were allowed to eat the king’s choice food. However, Daniel, being turned off by the gravy dripping from king Nebuchadnezzar’s beard, politely turned down the offer and suggested they only eat vegetables and drink water. Then, going against every food pyramid ever created, Daniel challenges the other servants to see which ones were the healthiest looking after ten days, the ones who ate the choice food or the vegetarians. Now according to logic, the ones who ate more nourishment should be the ones to look healthier. Daniel and his friends were leaving out several essential carbohydrates and proteins in their diet by eating only vegetables. This is all assuming, of course, that God wasn’t involved, which he was. It turns out that Daniel and his friends won the contest by looking healthier than the other servants after ten days. Because Daniel was so close to God, he probably knew they would look healthier even before the competition so we can only assume that Daniel did his fair share of taunting.
Wow, those protein shakes really worked. Oh right, I forgot, I only ate broccoli…suckers.
# 2: Custody Battles
How we do it:
Hopefully no one reading TheChiefest has ever had to go through this, but if you’re like John and Kate Gosselin (and we pray to God that you’re not), you’ve spent a lot of time wondering where you’re going to put all these Asian-American babies who are running around. Figuring out custody is not fun but what is fun is sending those little snot-nose brats back to their lying, cheating, devil-worshipping momma.
Your brother is three. How is that even possible?
How the Bible did it: 1 Kings 3: 16-27
16Then two women who were harlots came to the king and stood before him. 17The one woman said, “Oh, my lord, this woman and I live in the same house; and I gave birth to a child while she was in the house.18“It happened on the third day after I gave birth, that this woman also gave birth to a child, and we were together. There was no stranger with us in the house, only the two of us in the house.19“This woman’s son died in the night, because she lay on it.20“So she arose in the middle of the night and took my son from beside me while your maidservant slept, and laid him in her bosom, and laid her dead son in my bosom.21“When I rose in the morning to nurse my son, behold, he was dead; but when I looked at him carefully in the morning, behold, he was not my son, whom I had borne.”22Then the other woman said, “No! For the living one is my son, and the dead one is your son.” But the first woman said, “No! For the dead one is your son, and the living one is my son.” Thus they spoke before the king.23Then the king said, “The one says, ‘This is my son who is living, and your son is the dead one’; and the other says, ‘No! For your son is the dead one, and my son is the living one.'”24The king said, “Get me a sword.” So they brought a sword before the king.25The king said, “Divide the living child in two, and give half to the one and half to the other.”26Then the woman whose child was the living one spoke to the king, for (A)she was deeply stirred over her son and said, “Oh, my lord, give her the living child, and by no means kill him.” But the other said, “He shall be neither mine nor yours; divide him!”27Then the king said, “Give the first woman the living child, and by no means kill him. She is his mother.”
This is where I think the Bible got it stone cold RIGHT. And how we ever got away from this practice is beyond me. Two women come to king Solomon wanting custody over the baby. (Wipe that smile off your face, California. They weren’t gay.) Solomon, being the wise king that he was, thought of an ingenious plan. One baby is good but two is better. I can only imagine Solomon pulling out his sword and then cleverly quip, “Now would you like breast or thigh?” It turns out that Solomon’s plan worked because the real mother was willing to give up the baby rather than see it die. If only it was that easy now.
Do what?!? Where’s my sword? We’ll get this settled real quick.
# 1: Debate
How we do it:
Okay, debate is so boring that we don’t even want to waste time talking about it. But we will. Basically some dude in a suit babbles some words together and calls it a “point”. Another dude in a suit then blah blah’s his “counterpoint”. They then look to the audience for approval, most of which have fallen asleep. Well, at least the ones who haven’t killed themselves from the sheer boredom. Did we mention debate is also boring?
An unusually exciting debate
How the Bible did it: 1 Kings 18:16-40
We’re not going to quote the whole passage but here is basically how the story goes: Elijah and 450 prophets of Baal decide to meet at Mt. Carmel and hold a little debate. They took two bulls and cut them into pieces. The bulls were placed on a pile of wood and then Elijah set the parameters for the debate. The prophets of Baal would call on Baal and Elijah would call on God. The one who responded by lighting the bull on fire was the real God. The prophets of Baal began to call and nothing happened. Elijah saw this and began to jeer. “This is childs play”, he remarked to the prophets. Elijah saw they were going nowhere and decisively made them step back and, “watch a master.” Elijah got some people to go get four large jars of water (our Bible translates to 55 gallon drums) and pour it over the wood. And they did it a second time as well. A third time? Hey, knock yourself out. Elijah then called out to God and with one mighty swoop, fire came down from heaven and devoured that bull. He then proceeded to kill all the prophets because, “they lost”.
Now, I don’t know about you but I would attend these kinds of debates. I can only imagine Elijah standing in front of the dead prophets and shouting, “My opponent rests his argument!” It was probably hard fighting against so many prophets. The reason Baal worship was so popular was apparently people flocked to the religions that allowed the most prostitutes. Who knew? Well, Elijah quickly made his counterpoint after a not so impressive attempt from the Baal prophets.
Prophets of Baal: “Guys, I think we messed up.”
Which leads to the moral of this story. Kids, when choosing which God you want to serve, the one that can light you on fire is a pretty good choice.