4 People In The Bible Who Would Put Chuck Norris To Shame

“Chuck Norris walked out the first day of kindergarten when he found out they had recess. He doesn’t play.” Pretty tough, huh? Well compared to these next guys, he looks a lot less like Chuck Norris and a lot more like Chuck Cheese.

                                                    

                                                       Ironically, his middle name is Enchiladas.

So, ladies, you may want to kick your husbands out of the room for fear of getting super jealous. Gentlemen, get out your pen and pencil and take notes. Here are 4 men who put the man in manifest destiny and consider it their destiny to manifest their destiny.

# 4:  Noah

The story of Noah’s Ark is one of the most iconic stories in the history of the world. However people have long been skeptical of the validity of the account in the Bible. In our extremely important opinion, we don’t see how it is that hard to believe. Sometimes you just got to get your head out of your butt and realize, “You know what, maybe I’m wrong. Maybe the Bible is true and maybe Angus MacGyver didn’t really do all that stuff.”

                                                   

                                     Pete: “Don’t worry Angus. Your secret is safe with me.”

As soon as you can get to the point of believing the Bible, the sooner you can get to acknowledging just how much of a stud Noah was. Noah was 600 years old when he finished the ark. You know who else is 600 years old? Christopher Columbus…40 years from now. So if you saw ‘ol Chris walking around in 2051 saying, “Yo what’s up? ‘Bout to go hop on this boat with a bunch of animals. See you lat…uh, I mean bye.”, just remember that is exactly how it was with Noah. Along with being old, Noah was also a very skilled shipwright. The ark he built was around 1.5 million cubic ft. which is just about one-fourth the size of the Titanic. It also took him 120 years to build it but we’ll give him a break considering he probably did all this before the invention of the wheel.

                                                            

                                                       Honey, have you seen my rivet gun?!?!

# 3:  David

When we say “David” what comes to mind? Probably some puny little kid who sat around all day playing “We Will Rock You” on the harp, right? Well you couldn’t be more wrong.

                                                          

                                                 He was more of a country and western guy

David may have been young and small but he was a cold-blooded killer. One day, David was taking some MREs to his brothers’ military camp when he overheard some big, tall obnoxious dude who wouldn’t stop flappin’ his gums. They called him Goliath. We know, we thought it was a stupid name, too. Anyway, David was watching all this and after witnessing all the mighty warriors hide behind their camels, he figured that somebody needed to do something. “Do you hear that mouthbreather?”, David asked. “He’s calling out our God and all y’all can do is sit their and cry like little babies.” David then tells everyone that he would fight Goliath after pointing out to the troops that seeing grown men cry might do some emotional damage to him. The king wanted David to be fully prepared so he decided to lend him his body armor. David tried it on then politely told the king, “You know what, I’m used to fighting in my underwear so this stuff would just slow me down. I’m good.” So David, with only a staff, a pouch and a slingshot, picked up five stones from a riverbed and went out to meet Goliath at the battlefield who, it turns out, was still flappin’ his jaw. David, real tired of Goliath’s schtick by that point, used his slingshot to hurl one stone at him and shut him up real quick. David, being the avid sportsman he was, then cut off Goliath’s head to add to his collection of lions and bears. The Bible really doesn’t say, so we’re going to assume sea lions and polar bears. Yes, we know he lived in the desert. Did we mention he did all this before his senior year of high school?

                                                              

                                                                           Eat this, Philistine!!!

# 2:  Elijah

The Bible tells us that Elijah was a hairy man so we can only imagine how awesome his cookie duster was.

                                                     

                        Cookie Duster  (n).  Able to dust the tops of cookies as they enter the mouth. 

Not only was Elijah hairy but he was also fed by ravens which we think is pretty cool. One story, however, particularly stands out to us. I’m sure most of you know about his altercation with some prophets of Baal but what happens afterward takes the cake. Elijah had just defeated the prophets and was standing on top of Mt. Carmel talking to his servant about the weather. They notice that it’s about to get bad so Elijah tells his servant to go inform his friend Ahab so he can get an early start back to Jezreel. So Ahab went ahead in his chariot and Elijah stayed behind. Now here is where it gets interesting. The Bible says that the power of the Lord came over Elijah so he tucked in his cloak and ran ahead of Ahab all the way to Jezreel. Hold on. We need to do some figuring here. Let’s say that Ahab’s horse was loping the whole way. The average speed of a horse’s lope is around 15 mph. Elijah ran past the chariot but since we’re conservative here, we’ll stick with a conservative 15 mph for Elijah, too. (In comparison, the fastest men in the world today run around 26 mph.) The kicker here is the distance, though. Mt. Carmel to Jezreel is 20 miles. If Elijah stayed at a constant rate, he would have reached Jezreel in 1.3 hrs. If he would have maintained that rate for 26 miles, or a full marathon, he would have finished in 1.73 hrs. The fastest ever recorded time for a marathon is 2.04 hrs. Elijah would have the world record in any marathon by a full 30 minutes! And he didn’t even shave to reduce air resistance!

                                                             

                           You think we should tell him the Hebrew version of Grizzly Adams is faster than him?

# 1 Samson

Samson could have taken all four spots but since we’re leaving only one spot for him, we’ll just highlight one story. And oh what a story it is. 3000 men came from Judah down to a cave where Samson was hanging out in Etam. They were going down there to tie him up and hand him over to the Philistines because he had been “acting a fool”. Samson made sure they weren’t going to kill him first before he willingly surrendered. They agreed and tied him up to take him away. Then the fun begins. The Bible says that the Spirit of the Lord came powerfully on Samson. As they were walking along, the ropes that were tying him down just, all of a sudden, fell from his arms. Samson, pretty upset at that point, then proceeded to kill 1000 of the men with this:

                                                            

                                                                                        What is that?!?!?!

That would be the jawbone of a donkey. If he killed 1000 men with only this, we’re thinking the other 2000 tried their best to either play dead or go ahead and do to themselves what Samson was fixing to do. It would have been fine if the story had ended there, but Samson had to go and utter one of the worst haikus I have ever read:

   “With a donkey’s jawbone I have made donkeys of them.
With a donkey’s jawbone I have killed a thousand men.”

Despite his macho personality, Samson always wanted to be a poet but he could never get the timing just right.

 

                                                

                                                                         CALL ME ISHMAEL!!!!!!

 

5 Ways How Christians Have Made Your Life Way Better(And you probably had no idea)

Ever since about 33 A.D. Christians have been getting a bad rap as being uptight sticks in the mud. Haters from the Romans all the way up to Hollywood have tried to stop the advancement of Christianity because “it’s stupid” or “it lacks that something special”.

                                                               

                                                 Tom Cruise: “Needs more aliens if you ask me.”

Yes, unfortunately, Christians have had to go through some severe persecution throughout the centuries because of their belief in Jesus as God. However, Christians view this as sort of a ‘badge of honor’ because they realize that Jesus experienced much more extreme persecution than they. Only by the grace of God has Christianity pulled through and today it is as popular as it has ever been. Still, Christians can’t seem to shake the reputation of being squares. After much pondering, we think that we have come up with an argument that not only debunks the theory that Christians aren’t cool but also shows that your life is way better because of Christians. So let’s begin with…

# 5:  Somebody has got to teach your kids how to read good.

Quick, what do Harvard, Princeton and Yale all have in common?

                                              

                              Besides the fact you’ll be calling their alumni “boss” one day

Give up? They all began with one purpose; to train preachers and teach the Bible. Now you may or may not have noticed but they don’t really focus on that anymore. Instead of their students doing an exegesis on Deuteronomy, they have turned to other endeavors like creating social media websites or trying to use Bernoulli’s principle to increase the intensity of their bongs.

                                  

                                                  Dude…this would totally work!

So even though these schools don’t cater to pastors anymore (although all three have divinity schools), they spawned the emergence of other colleges and universities including hundreds of Christian colleges and seminaries. So next time  you get upset about the Harvards of the world teaching universalism and postmodernism, think about their humble beginnings and how academia has flourished because some Puritans just wanted to study the Bible in peace.

                                         

                                              Seriously…shut up and leave us alone.

# 4:  Somebody has got to sell you toilet paper.

Two words: Wal-Marks.

Now I know what you’re thinking; “Wal-Mart? They aren’t a Christian company. If anything they’re the Anti-Christ.” Well in the words of Lee Corso, “Not so fast my friend.”

                                     

While Wal-Mart is not necessarily a company that promotes Christianity, the same cannot be said for its founder, Sam Walton. Walton attended a Presbyterian church his entire life and was very generous and humble even after he became the world’s richest man. In 1991, Walton created the Sam and Helen R. Walton Award. They issued a gift of $6 million dollars to provide annual awards to new church developments that worked in creative ways to share the Christian faith in local communities. So next time you step foot into Wal-Mart, don’t think, “Hey, this is so convenient. I can buy a fully cooked chicken and my hemorrhoid cream in the same place.” Instead, think “That Sam Walton sure was a swell fellow for creating a place where I can buy a fully cooked chicken and my hemorrhoid cream in the same place.”

                                         

                                                                        Thanks, Sam.

# 3:  Somebody’s got to get stuff done around here.

To be quite frank, Christians have been making the world go ’round since the beginning of time. You have presidents like Abraham Lincoln and George Washington; explorers like Christopher Columbus; scientists like Lord Kelvin, Newton, Copernicus, Galileo and Francis Collins; inventors like the Wright brothers, Louis Pasteur, Samuel Morse and George Washington Carver; authors like J.R.R. Tolkien and C.S. Lewis; and visionaries like Martin Luther King, Jr. and MC Hammer.

                                       

                                                            Satan can’t touch this

So, you see, if it wasn’t for these guys we wouldn’t have planes, equality, peanut butter, calculus homework or old school rap. And we don’t know about you but we couldn’t live in a world like that.

# 2:  Somebody has to feed and take care of the world.     

Let me ask you a question. How do you typically respond when you hear about an earthquake in Tibet or starvation in Sudan? You probably think, “Aww, that’s terrible.” and then go back to bidding for that Planet of the Apes lunchbox on Ebay.

                                         

                                               It comes with the thermos, too? SWEET!

Well not these guys: Samaritan’s Purse, Heifer International, Pilgrim Africa, World Vision, Food for the Hungry and Mercy Corps. These are humanitarian organizations that are either Christian focused or were founded by Christians. There are others besides these and also other secular humanitarian groups that provide relief but if you factor in local churches there is an overwhelming number of Christian groups that are focused on meeting the needs of the needy. When disaster strikes, Christians are usually the first ones to step in and help. And by help we mean actually going over to foreign countries and doing stuff, not adopting a baby you see on t.v. for pennies a day.

                                   

     Welp, did my good deed for the year. By my calculations that’s 3 fewer years in Purgatory.

# 1: Somebody had to save your sorry soul.

If Jesus had a resume, here are a few things that would be on it: under “Special Skills” it would list things like “able to walk on water” or “able to bring people back from the dead”. Under “Past Accomplishments” there would be stuff like “created everything” and “atoned sinful humanity”. Needless to say He would be overqualified for every job.

                                                     

                                             All mine says is “Okay with Word and Excel”.

Luckily for us, Jesus doesn’t need a resume. He doesn’t need anything for that matter. We need him. And you better be on your knees day and night thanking Him that He thought enough of you to take away your sins so you don’t have to be judged for bringing that video camera into the movie theater so you could sell pirated versions of Avatar.

                                                  

                                               No, I promise it’s not what it looks like.

5 Everyday Things That Would Be Way Cooler If We Stuck To The Bible

Times were much simpler back in the days of the Bible. They didn’t have these pointless distractions like school or work. No, they usually had a lot of time on their hands which came in handy when trying to think up cool stuff to do. Take, for instance, David. When he was a young lad, his father made him get a summer job as a shepherd. Now, you may not know the job description of a shepherd so let me try to explain it to you the best way I know. You watch sheep. Occasionally at the end of the month you would take inventory but that was only if the boss was having a bad day. So, needless to say, David had a lot of time to think up cool stuff to do. So David did what any teenage boy would do if he had time to spare. He killed bears and lions. With. His. Bare. Hands. Was Bear Grylls doing that when he was 13? I don’t think so.

                                              

                       The sun is going down, but that’s okay. I can drink my urine for warmth.

So here are 5 things that would be way awesomer  if we would have just done what the Bible did. Starting with:

# 5:        Dating

How we do it:

In our society, the period of courtship is usually when couples get to know each other and decide whether either would be suitable for marriage. The couples typically go out on social excursions called “dates” . These dates usually consist of going to a movie, eating out at a nice restaurant, or mud wrestling with cousin Jimmy.

                                         

                                                   Pictured above:  Cousin Jimmy

How the Bible did it:    Genesis 29:15-30

15 Laban said to him, “Just because you are a relative of mine, should you work for me for nothing? Tell me what your wages should be.”16 Now Laban had two daughters; the name of the older was Leah, and the name of the younger was Rachel. 17 Leah had weak[a] eyes, but Rachel had a lovely figure and was beautiful. 18 Jacob was in love with Rachel and said, “I’ll work for you seven years in return for your younger daughter Rachel.”19 Laban said, “It’s better that I give her to you than to some other man. Stay here with me.” 20 So Jacob served seven years to get Rachel, but they seemed like only a few days to him because of his love for her.21 Then Jacob said to Laban, “Give me my wife. My time is completed, and I want to make love to her.”22 So Laban brought together all the people of the place and gave a feast. 23 But when evening came, he took his daughter Leah and brought her to Jacob, and Jacob made love to her. 24 And Laban gave his servant Zilpah to his daughter as her attendant.25 When morning came, there was Leah! So Jacob said to Laban, “What is this you have done to me? I served you for Rachel, didn’t I? Why have you deceived me?”26 Laban replied, “It is not our custom here to give the younger daughter in marriage before the older one. 27 Finish this daughter’s bridal week; then we will give you the younger one also, in return for another seven years of work.”28 And Jacob did so. He finished the week with Leah, and then Laban gave him his daughter Rachel to be his wife. 29 Laban gave his servant Bilhah to his daughter Rachel as her attendant. 30 Jacob made love to Rachel also, and his love for Rachel was greater than his love for Leah. And he worked for Laban another seven years.

I know you didn’t read all that so here is basically what happens. Jacob is running away from his brother, Esau, who wants to kill him. Whatever, just your typical sibling relationship. Jacob goes to his uncle Laban’s house. Jacob decides to work for Laban on his farm and in a surprising twist of events, Laban asks Jacob to name his salary. If only it worked that way now.

                                   

            You do realize that most fry cooks don’t make $100,000 annually, don’t you?

Jacob in another surprising twist asks in return his first cousin Rachel. (Don’t hate, everybody was kinned back then…plus it said she was hot.) However instead of dating her, Jacob wanted to work seven years for her. Now Laban was probably questioning Jacob’s intelligence at that moment but he realized that was a way better offer than Sean, the emo kid from next door, had given.

                                       

                                                    I’m so misunderstood

When Jacob had finished his seven years of work, Laban, realizing how much got done in those seven years, decided he didn’t want it to end. So instead of giving Rachel to Jacob, Laban gives his older, uglier, and we’re going to assume fatter daughter, Leah, to Jacob. Laban was pretty sure Jacob wasn’t going to know given the intellectually stimulating bargaining session they had earlier. Well when morning came, and the light hit Leah’s face, she must have been so repulsive that even Jacob took notice. Jacob went back to Laban and calmly asked, “Yo, why you trippin’, dog?” Laban replied, ” Black, black, no trade back.” Laban suggested that another seven years of work would suffice for his daughter Rachel. Jacob, thinking clearly as ever, agreed. So Jacob ended up getting two wives out of the deal along with 14 years of dating, and by dating we mean 14 years of back-breaking labor.

P.S.- We made fun of Jacob’s intelligence way too much in this section. Now we don’t know what he scored on his SAT, but there is a country named after him so he can’t be all that dumb.

#4:          Electing Representatives

How we do it:

Hopefully most everyone reading this has taken a civics class so we’re going to assume you know how the electoral process works. If not, let me summarize:  The candidates are judged on their talents, appearance, and how they answer questions. Then we elect the most attractive and popular one. This process has never failed to give us the right representative so if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.

                                        

                             Well, maybe a little maintenance wouldn’t hurt

How the Bible did it:   Acts: 1:23-26 

 23 So they nominated two men: Joseph called Barsabbas (also known as Justus) and Matthias. 24 Then they prayed, “Lord, you know everyone’s heart. Show us which of these two you have chosen 25 to take over this apostolic ministry, which Judas left to go where he belongs.” 26 Then they cast lots, and the lot fell to Matthias; so he was added to the eleven apostles.        

The same way we should decide everything in life. By leaving it all up to chance. There were two candidates available to replace Judas as a disciple: Justus and Matthias. Instead of using a stupid system like voting, they went all Rounders up in there and decided to cast lots, ironically remembering to ask God’s opinion before they did it. Now we don’t condone gambling but we do condone prayer. However, mixing the two…we’ll leave that lost art to the disciples.

                                                

Lord, Queen of Diamonds on the river and I promise you got ten percent coming back you’re way. Amen.

# 3:          Dieting

How we do it:

Help! I’ve got sausage fingers! Does anyone know of a way to lose weight without eating healthy or doing exercise?

                                 

                                    You better hope your wallet is fat, too.

Most diet programs today promise amazing results by eating what you want and doing little to no exercise. While this may work for that coworker down the hall who makes you so mad because she can eat anything she wants and still not gain a pound (seriously, is it witchcraft or something), for the rest of us who eat half a french fry and then suddenly gain two more chins, we need a diet that works. Most of us normal people can’t function on wheatgrass soup and then struggle to do two push-ups for our workouts at night. (Admit it, they were women’s push-ups, weren’t they.) That’s why most people just give up and decide to make healthier choices, like choosing a quarter pounder when you are so craving a double.

                               

            You know what, go ahead and make it a double…with extra bacon.

How the Bible did it:  Daniel 1: 11-16

 11 Daniel then said to the guard whom the chief official had appointed over Daniel, Hananiah, Mishael and Azariah, 12 “Please test your servants for ten days: Give us nothing but vegetables to eat and water to drink. 13 Then compare our appearance with that of the young men who eat the royal food, and treat your servants in accordance with what you see.” 14 So he agreed to this and tested them for ten days.15 At the end of the ten days they looked healthier and better nourished than any of the young men who ate the royal food. 16 So the guard took away their choice food and the wine they were to drink and gave them vegetables instead.

Daniel not only recommended wheatgrass soup, he washed it down with a lima bean smoothie.

                                                

                                                                Mmm…tasty

Daniel and friends were allowed to eat the king’s choice food. However, Daniel, being turned off by the gravy dripping from king Nebuchadnezzar’s beard, politely turned down the offer and suggested they only eat vegetables and drink water. Then, going against every food pyramid ever created, Daniel challenges the other servants to see which ones were the healthiest looking after ten days, the ones who ate the choice food or the vegetarians. Now according to logic, the ones who ate more nourishment should be the ones to look healthier. Daniel and his friends were leaving out several essential carbohydrates and proteins in their diet by eating only vegetables. This is all assuming, of course, that God wasn’t involved, which he was. It turns out that Daniel and his friends won the contest by looking healthier than the other servants after ten days. Because Daniel was so close to God, he probably knew they would look healthier even before the competition so we can only assume that Daniel did his fair share of taunting.

                                                 

   Wow, those protein shakes really worked. Oh right, I forgot, I only ate broccoli…suckers.

# 2:      Custody Battles

How we do it:

Hopefully no one reading TheChiefest has ever had to go through this, but if you’re like John and Kate Gosselin (and we pray to God that you’re not), you’ve spent a lot of time wondering where you’re going to put all these Asian-American babies who are running around. Figuring out custody is not fun but what is fun is sending those little snot-nose brats back to their lying, cheating, devil-worshipping momma.

                              

                         Your brother is three. How is that even possible?

How the Bible did it: 1 Kings 3: 16-27

 16Then two women who were harlots came to the king and stood before him. 17The one woman said, “Oh, my lord, this woman and I live in the same house; and I gave birth to a child while she was in the house.18“It happened on the third day after I gave birth, that this woman also gave birth to a child, and we were together. There was no stranger with us in the house, only the two of us in the house.19“This woman’s son died in the night, because she lay on it.20“So she arose in the middle of the night and took my son from beside me while your maidservant slept, and laid him in her bosom, and laid her dead son in my bosom.21“When I rose in the morning to nurse my son, behold, he was dead; but when I looked at him carefully in the morning, behold, he was not my son, whom I had borne.”22Then the other woman said, “No! For the living one is my son, and the dead one is your son.” But the first woman said, “No! For the dead one is your son, and the living one is my son.” Thus they spoke before the king.23Then the king said, “The one says, ‘This is my son who is living, and your son is the dead one’; and the other says, ‘No! For your son is the dead one, and my son is the living one.'”24The king said, “Get me a sword.” So they brought a sword before the king.25The king said, “Divide the living child in two, and give half to the one and half to the other.”26Then the woman whose child was the living one spoke to the king, for (A)she was deeply stirred over her son and said, “Oh, my lord, give her the living child, and by no means kill him.” But the other said, “He shall be neither mine nor yours; divide him!”27Then the king said, “Give the first woman the living child, and by no means kill him. She is his mother.”

This is where I think the Bible got it stone cold RIGHT. And how we ever got away from this practice is beyond me. Two women come to king Solomon wanting custody over the baby. (Wipe that smile off your face, California. They weren’t gay.) Solomon, being the wise king that he was, thought of an ingenious plan. One baby is good but two is better. I can only imagine Solomon pulling out his sword and then cleverly quip, “Now would you like breast or thigh?” It turns out that Solomon’s plan worked because the real mother was willing to give up the baby rather than see it die. If only it was that easy now.

                                           

                         Do what?!? Where’s my sword? We’ll get this settled real quick.

# 1:       Debate

How we do it:

Okay, debate is so boring that we don’t even want to waste time talking about it. But we will. Basically some dude in a suit babbles some words together and calls it a “point”. Another dude in a suit then blah blah’s his “counterpoint”. They then look to the audience for approval, most of which have fallen asleep. Well, at least the ones who haven’t killed themselves from the sheer boredom. Did we mention debate is also boring?

                                   

                                                   An unusually exciting debate

How the Bible did it: 1 Kings 18:16-40

We’re not going to quote the whole passage but here is basically how the story goes:  Elijah and 450 prophets of Baal decide to meet at Mt. Carmel and hold a little debate. They took two bulls and cut them into pieces. The bulls were placed on a pile of wood and then Elijah set the parameters for the debate. The prophets of Baal would call on Baal and Elijah would call on God. The one who responded by lighting the bull on fire was the real God. The prophets of Baal began to call and nothing happened. Elijah saw this and began to jeer. “This is childs play”, he remarked to the prophets. Elijah saw they were going nowhere and decisively made them step back and, “watch a master.”  Elijah got some people to go get four large jars of water (our Bible translates to 55 gallon drums) and pour it over the wood. And they did it a second time as well. A third time? Hey, knock yourself out. Elijah then called out to God and with one mighty swoop, fire came down from heaven and devoured that bull. He then proceeded to kill all the prophets because, “they lost”.

Now, I don’t know about you but I would attend these kinds of debates. I can only imagine Elijah standing in front of the dead prophets and shouting, “My opponent rests his argument!” It was probably hard fighting against so many prophets. The reason Baal worship was so popular was apparently people flocked to the religions that allowed the most prostitutes. Who knew? Well, Elijah quickly made his counterpoint after a not so impressive attempt from the Baal prophets.

                                                    

                                        Prophets of Baal: “Guys, I think we messed up.”

Which leads to the moral of this story. Kids, when choosing which God you want to serve, the one that can light you on fire is a pretty good choice.

                    

“You have to learn computers!”

I was walking through Wal-Mart last night to get to the pharmacy section to score some drugs. (Nope, still doesn’t sound cool.)  I decided to make a shortcut down the aisle of books and magazines and other useless nonsense that Wal-Mart can’t seem to find a trash pile for. Fortunately my withdrawal to Clarinex wasn’t quite at meth dealer level so I was somewhat lucid as I staggered down the aisle. It turns out that my shortcut was predestined because I happened  to catch a glimpse of a TIME magazine that was so out-of-place on the shelf that it was covering up the latest edition of Vanity Fair.

                                                             

                                                    Well…maybe it was there for a reason 

I picked up the TIME magazine and on the cover I saw this:

                                                    

                           Apparently too much time through the Matrix causes hair loss

2045: The year man becomes immortal? That’s what the Matrix was about? I soon realized that this was a much more elaborate concoction than anything the Wachowski brothers could cook up. I decided to deviate from my normal response to literature and actually read the content instead of looking at the pictures because the idea of this blew my mind. As I read the article it became clear that I had no clue what I was reading. But here is one thing I caught:

Computers are getting faster. And they are getting faster faster, meaning-the rate at which they are getting faster is increasing. So if computers are getting so much faster at such a faster rate, there might conceivably come a moment when they are capable of something comparable to human intelligence. Artificial intelligence. Instead of computers doing quick arithmetic and solving logical problems, they would be able to drive cars, have meaningful conversation, or even make ethical choices.

If that happens, and many smart people think it will, then all bets are off. Computers would continue to increase in power and intelligence and take over their development from the slower-thinking humans. Now this doesn’t necessarily mean the Computeracolypse. It could mean the formation of human-robot cyborgs, prolonging life indefinitely, or even using it to enhance our intellectual abilities the same way cars and planes enhance our physical abilities. No matter the theory, it all leads to the transformation of our species into something beyond recognition circa Earth 2011. This is called Singularity. The word is borrowed from astrophysics: it refers to a point in space-time in which the ordinary rules of physics do not apply, like inside a black hole.

                                                        

                                                                              or this dude’s house

Now, you can google Singularity and find all kinds of definitions but here is basically what it is: At the rate computers are becoming faster, we can’t track progression by linear growth, meaning- using slope-intercept form to find f(x). It has to be tracked by exponential growth, meaning- you should have paid more attention in geometry. According to the exponential curve charts, here is what the data shows:

*By the mid 2020’s, humans will successfully reverse-engineer the human brain

*By the end of that decade computers will be capable of human level intelligence

*By 2045, the quantity of artificial intelligence will be about a billion times the sum of all human intelligence that exists today.

Here is a quote from a NASA Symposium from 1993:

“…within 30 years we will have the technological means to create super-human intelligence. Shortly after, the human era will be ended.”

In the words of award-winning journalist Borat, “Whaaaaaat?”

                                                                 

                                                                                    Great Success!

The human era will end in 2023? It’s 2011 and I’m still waiting on my jetpack! I’ll be honest, this article did scare me a little. Not about the Computeracolypse, but about how people so smart can be so manipulative. They printed this article for one reason: to soil the pants of everyone who reads it. If you create fear, you creat panic. Panic leads to hysteria and it keeps escalating until everyone pays hefty sums of scrilla to these scientists so they can keep the mean, evil supercomputers away from little Timmy.

                                                       

                                                                  Timmy is preparing nonetheless

Being a Christian, this completely goes against everything I believe in. And I would be happy to give you 3 good reasons why this will never happen.

# 3       Don’t Underestimate the Power of Lust

Let me tell you something about people who have power, they can’t get enough of it. And once they have it, they will try everything humanly possible to not lose it. If this means getting rid of a few ambitious MacBooks and iPhones…then so be it.

# 2       God created man in His image

This means that because God rules everything, He allows humans the responsibility to rule the Earth and everything in it. That includes you, computers. So don’t get any fancy ideas.

# 1        As far as I know, God hasn’t fallen off His Throne

Don’t worry folks. No matter how smart computers get, compared to God, they will always look like

                                               

I Think You Made A Wrong Turn at Ebay…

or Google Images. Don’t worry it happens all the time. I usually keep the place clean just for this very occasion. It always irritates me when I go to someone’s site and they’ve left pictures lying around of granny’s drunken rampage during family game night or those awkward family photos.

                                                          

                                                            Choke your mother like you love her, son.

Lucky for you, I made sure you don’t have to deal with any of that junk on my site. You’re now probably thinking searching for LOLcats on Google images wasn’t such a bad idea. Well friend, rest assured that this is a place for you. You see, we here at TheChiefest had you in mind when this whole thing started. As you have probably already painfully noticed, we try to cast observations in a humorous light. We hope that you can find some entertainment value in our failures. Because I mean who doesn’t love to look at a train wreck?

                                                          

                                                                             Probably this guy

 All joking aside, our ultimate goal here is to give glory to God. We try to promote a Christian worldview and use our observations from life to further the gospel of Jesus. We will fail to do that sometimes but that is where our name comes in. TheChiefest. 1 Timothy 1:15.

Hopefully we can be a blessing to you in a cruel world. We want to encourage you, enlighten you, and sometimes make you laugh. So please, feel free to make yourself at home and subscribe. You won’t be too disappointed.