The Full Armor Of God Just Got Fuller

Put on your breastplate of righteousness and your helmet of salvation. Take up your shield of faith and prepare your sword of the Spirit. Oh, and don’t forget your 9mm of smokin’ faith bullets. Missed that one, didn’t you? No you didn’t because it’s not anywhere to be found in Ephesians 6. However those glocks can be found on Arkansas House Bill 1958. According to this Bill, it is “an act to allow a concealed handgun licensee to carry a concealed handgun in church or other place of worship; and for other purposes”. It’s been approved by the House and is now waiting approval from the Senate and Governor which, in all likelihood, is only a formality. Of course, if you don’t live in Arkansas this really doesn’t concern you but don’t go complaining when you see that spider crawl out of the hymnal holders in the pew in front of you. We bet you’d be wishing you went to church in Arkansas. In all seriousness, though, it seems like there are more church shootings happening than ever before and Arkansas Legislation is thinking this may help protect a lot of church members from a crazed shooter who happens to walk into a church service. It might and it might not. You never know what’s going to happen in a situation like that. What we do know is that people are not going to stop going to church because of this threat. Churches are safe places. And it’s not because we lock our doors when church starts, because we don’t. That shooter is free to come in; just like the homeless person, the rich person and the lost person. Everyone needs to hear the message the Church has to offer. It’s a message of love, God’s love. The guns we’re allowed to carry and the locks on the doors don’t keep us safe. It’s that love that we’re shown and that we try to show that keeps us safe.

With that being said, we’ve got 4 pretty good reasons why guns in churches can be a good thing.

# 4     Who wouldn’t listen to a preacher packing heat?

We don’t know about you but if we saw a preacher waving a gun in one hand and a Bible in the other, our ears would perk up and we would be trying our hardest not to blink. If he unloaded a few rounds down the aisles you better believe that the altar would be filled up during the altar call and confessions and baptisms would go through the roof.

Repent

 

# 3     Guns can be a good way of showing approval.

When someone does a music special or gives a testimony, we usually respond by clapping or saying a few hearty “amens”. Nothing says “I agree with that” better than a 21 gun salute from the entire congregation

Mark is ready to let off a few clips of “I agree with that!”.

 

# 2     Guns make great accessories.

At church, most people like to wear their “Sunday best” and sometimes the attire is not complete without the complementing accessory.

Listen, I don’t know from nothing. See?

 

# 1     What’s more American than guns and the Bible?

Quick, what made us get away from the British?

The Bible

What kept us away from the British?

Guns

If we’re ever going to get back to American Exceptionalism, we’re going to have to get back to two things we love: reading the Bible and shooting guns.

10 Things On Ebay You Should Go Buy Right Now!

We all know that Ebay is the world’s largest garage sale. And garage sales are notorious for being that place where you can find that priceless treasure in the bottom of someone’s big pile of trash, especially church garage sales.  Well ladies and gentlemen, we present the treasure:

 

# 10     A Guaranteed Place in the Rapture

If you’re asking for our advice, that price is very reasonable so you would be wise to strike while the iron’s hot.

 

# 9     30 ml of Anointing Oil

We’re not sure if it’s 30 ml anointing oil or 30 ml of hydrochloric acid.

 

# 8     30 Offering Buckets

Hey, we’re kinda partial to multitaskers ourselves.

 

# 7     Meditating Jesus Yoga Statue

It’s a nice statue but, um, we doubt Jesus ever practiced the Down Dog.

 

# 6      True Love Waits T-Shirt

It’s a sock monkey riding a bluebird. We don’t understand where all the confusion is coming from. Think, people.

 

# 5     Jesus of Nazareth Shot Glass

It says in the Bible that He drank some wine so what’s the big deal?

 

# 4     May 21, 2011: The End Calendar

We’re certain a lot of you have seen these billboards floating around everywhere. If the guy needs money he should just ask for it. There’s no need to come up with this elaborate claim just to drive traffic to his website. And now he’s selling us calendars that end in two months? Just get a second job, dude. (That’s assuming he even has a first job.)

 

# 3     Christian version of UNO

This seems like a good alternative to the regular UNO. However, the tagline says “where Grace and Prayer prevail”, but at our church fellowships, cheating and lying always prevail.

 

# 2     The Miniature Bible

This Bible is only 1.25” long. If leprechauns exist this would be the perfect Bible for them. And since this Bible exists that is proof that leprechauns exist.

 

# 1     A.D. 2000: The End?

Out of all the hilarity of this item(and there is a lot), the funniest thing is that he’s marked it 10% off. Obviously that makes it much more appealing.

12 Unique, Strange And Unusual Bibles

I’m sure most of you have that one Bible that you always use and read. It’s probably beside you right now. It may have special meaning to you by being your first Bible, a Bible a family member gave you, or the Bible you were given when you were saved. Whatever the significance, we’re going to ask you to hold on to it and never purchase the following Bibles.

# 12     The Coach’s Bible

We’re sure this Bible has good intentions and we fully endorse the FCA but…c’mon. Is it really possible to teach the crossover and Colossians at the same time? 

# 11     The Duct Tape Bible

Duct tape can fix anything, right? Well now it can apparently ‘fix’ the Bible.

# 10     The Chunky Bible

   

No, it’s not a Bible for fat people. We’re pretty sure it was designed to match the wallpaper in your house.

Get the complete set to accent any decor.

# 9     The Green Bible

This Bible is 100% made out of recycled paper. Thank you hippie liberals. We now have a biodegradable Bible.

# 8     The Manga Bible

For those of you who don’t know what manga is, we’re glad you didn’t ask.

# 7     The Golfer’s Bible

If there’s golf in the Bible does this mean we can go ahead and schedule that Sunday morning tee time as church?

# 6     The American Patriot’s Bible

Nothing says “neither Jew nor Gentile” quite like American narcissism.

# 5     Letters To God Bible

This Bible came out shortly after the movie that bears its name. We really don’t need to be mixing movies and the Bible. Speaking of…

# 4    The Bible…as told by James Earl Jones

You mean we can have Mufasa, Darth Vader and that dude from Field of Dreams read us the Bible?!? Count us in.

# 3     The C.S. Lewis Bible

In the beginning God created Narnia?

# 2     The Gameboy Bible

Now when the preacher calls you out for playing your Gameboy in church, you can tell him you’re just reading the Bible and not be lying like usual.

# 1     The NASCAR Bible

Buy two and they come with a set of fairly new tires.

Needless to say if everyone read Bibles like these we would end up telling our children stories like this

You just skimmed through Judges, right?

Our Top 4 Worship Styles

If you were to walk up to a group of regular church attenders and ask them, “How would you describe worship?”, what kind of response do you imagine you would get. Our guess is probably nothing too far off the normal liturgy that is practiced by most Christian churches around the world. Answers like “singing praise and worship songs”, “lifting up my hands”, “listening to a message” would be popular ones. While those things can certainly lead to worship, we like Richard Foster’s definition in his book, The Celebration of Discipline: “…we have not worshiped the Lord until Spirit touches spirit”. In other words, we can only worship when the Spirit of God communicates with our spirit. Some good ways to facilitate this are meditation on Scripture, prayer and a big one that many of us don’t like to do-memorize Scripture.

                                      

        You may want to decrease the font size if you plan on tattooing the entire Bible on your body.

Now we don’t dislike mega-churches but we think their “one size fits all” worship mentality  has sort of desensitized many people about a true worship experience. We were listening to the radio one day a few years ago and heard an advertisement from some mega-church for a 30 minute worship service on Sunday afternoons for people who are too “busy” to attend regular church services. They would do all the same things as the regular services just in a condensed 30 minute version. Now granted, God could do His will in a nanosecond, much less 30 minutes, but, tragically,  for those attending that service, God was probably the last thing on their minds.

                                    

          Look dear, their hymnals have the menu for the Starbucks we saw down the hall.

But no matter what size church you attend, worship is purely an individual act and here are 4 worship styles that we like the most.

# 4      Lifting Up Hands

                                         

This is probably the international sign for worship. Go to any Christian youth event or Christian concert and you’ll be in the minority if you haven’t raised your hands at least once. One question we have, though, is why do you only see lifted hands during songs? Why don’t people lift their hands when listening to preaching or reading the Bible. That one has always perplexed us. It may have to do with the songs playing to the emotional side rather than worshiping in spirit. Okay, off the soapbox. We’re definitely not saying that everyone who raises their hands during an emotional song is doing it vain, though. That would be naive on our part. Some people truly worship when they do this. They truly worship. Even in the Psalms it says to lift your hands in the sanctuary and bless the Lord. And Paul says in 1 Timothy to lift up holy hands in prayer, so we’re obviously not against lifting up our hands. When you feel led to lift your hands, by all means, do it. Just please don’t do it because you think you have to.

                                  

                                 “The song is over, sir. You can put your arm down now.”

# 3      Standing Up, Head Bowed

                                                       

You typically see people in this position after the message when the pastor tells everyone to bow their heads and close their eyes to prepare for the invitation. But wait, how would you know if your eyes are supposed to be closed. Don’t worry, we look around too. We don’t know if it is a sin but wouldn’t be surprised if it was. We always seem to find a way to sin, even in church, unfortunately.

                                            

                                                              Good thing we’re not Catholic.

Contrasted to raising up hands, this worship position can sometimes be misunderstood as not being zealous enough or taking a nap. Right, like we would ever take a nap in church. Okay, maybe once but we were, like, three or fifteen or something. It’s hard to remember. The point is that even though this position may not look like worship, it can be just as powerful as long as there is communication between Spirits. So if you ever get a condescending look when you’re the only one not lifting your hands, remember that it’s okay and you’re not weird, maybe.

# 2     Lying Prostrate On The Floor

                                                 

Frankly, there should be a lot more of this position in the church. And we’ll be the first to admit that we don’t do it. By getting as low as you can on the floor shows a great humility and fear. Many eastern and near eastern religions worship like this. We don’t endorse what they worship but we could take a few pointers in how much respect they show. However, just like lifting up hands, you should be careful when doing this in public to not make it a show about how holy and pious you are. That would be self-worship and that is the worst thing you can do. Instead, it would be a good idea to do this privately-either in your quiet times or whatever. Another caution as well: if you think going to sleep was easy just with your head bowed, you’ll be knocked out in no time by doing this. So make sure you’re wide awake because if not, the above may quickly turn into

                                                 

# 1     The Shakers

                                    

“The Shakers” is obviously not a worship position but we had to categorize the whole religion as a position because when they met for worship, they had no problem just going bananas. If you’re thinking it looks like they might be doing the “Thriller” dance in the above picture, you may be right. We’re pretty sure the expression “crazier than a sack of rabid weasels” came from the Shakers’ worship services. Here’s a typical service for them: They would gather in a nice, quiet little building on Sunday mornings and get ready to worship. It would look something like this

                                       

                   “Nobody look at the magic picture box unless you want to lose your soul.”

They would continue to sit there and say nothing until they were led by the Spirit to act. And by act we mean recreate the entire plot of West Side Story.

                                   

                         It never worked because everyone always wanted to be a Jet.

As each person was led by the Spirit, they would one by one get up and start dancing. Or, according to the picture above, play an epic game of Duck, Duck, Goose. When they had finished worshiping, they would go home and act as if this was normal. There were very few words spoken except for the laughter when Bro. Jedidiah really felt led and started doing the Worm.

Are you sure?

Are you sure? Are you really sure? If you are, that’s great and we hope you stay tuned because this will be more important than anything that’s going on at Facebook. I mean who really cares if you’re watching American Idol? Shouldn’t that be something you’re ashamed of rather than tell the whole world? We’re old enough to remember how things were before Facebook and we can never recall any of our friends calling everybody they know just to tell them that they’re bored at work or that they’re about to go to bed. But we guess when the opportunity presents itself to make your own life seem more important, Facebook has proven that people will go out of their way to do it.

                                     

     “I wonder if my friends are concerned that I had trouble picking out which tie to wear? I think they are.”

You probably haven’t noticed but this post isn’t about Facebook or Facebook addiction. We really couldn’t care less about it. No, this is for all those people who are not sure. Those people need to pay particularly close attention to the rest of their reading. We’re sure many of you are wondering what you’re supposed to be “sure” of. Well it is a simple question, really. It’s a question that, we believe, should be asked more often than it is.

Are you sure of what you believe? Why do you believe what you believe?

Now, we realize that is two questions but they somewhat go together. “Are you sure and why?” For the mature Christian, these questions shouldn’t bother them. They should be well-equipped to “give an account of the hope that is in them”. If the mature Christian can’t do this and doesn’t have these answers, this would be a great time to do a “spiritual inventory” so to speak. The same should go for new believers as well. We believe it never hurts to investigate why we put our faith where we do. We’re not wanting you to do this to question anything you believe. In fact, we would like the opposite to happen. We would like to see your belief grow stronger and justify “the hope that is in you”.

With that said, there are many people out in the world who think you are crazy for believing in God and would like to rid the world of religion because, in their minds, it is retarding the propagation of knowledge. It seems like these people are the ones asking the most “Why do you believe what you believe?” questions. And their purpose is not to strengthen faith but to destroy it. With all ulterior motives aside, however, they bring up some interesting points. They say that because we can explain almost everything naturally, then there is no need for God. Christians tell them that God created nature but their usual  reply is how do we know that something didn’t create God and then God created nature. To them, our claim is just as valid as theirs.  As stupid as that may sound, it is an interesting thought. The Bible says that God created the earth but can we use the Bible to prove the Bible? This doesn’t make sense to an atheist. Does it make sense to you?

Another question atheists ask is how is an imaginary man in their head, who also gives them good feelings and gives them approval and disapproval, any different from God. Again this sounds extremely stupid but how would you respond? How would you show them that God is not an imaginary man in your head? If you’ve never encountered an atheist, here is a video of a prominent atheist in the YouTube community. He has a video series entitled “Why do people laugh at creationists?” and he is very adamant about destroying all belief systems.

If this is a new experience and you have never had your faith questioned quite to this extent, this could be a little scary. Not The Exorcist scary but maybe Heffalumps and Woozels scary.

                                            

                       We’re not going to lie. These things scared the daylights out of us when we were kids.

However, we think you have come to the right place when it comes to the Christian vs. atheist debate. We may take a different perspective on this but we think this is the only one that satisfies the tough answers. Here are four points that we think will help you in your pursuits of truth:

4- The Bible is not intended to tell us how the natural world works.

The Bible is the story of God’s relationship with his chosen people, the Jews, and how His redemptive plan unfolds. The Bible will never satisfy answers about recent discoveries and how it relates to the Bible because God didn’t intend for it to.

3- The Bible has nothing to do with evolution or science.

Do you know why we can’t use the Bible to disprove evolution? The Bible has nothing to say about evolution or any science for that matter. God didn’t give us the Bible so we could use it to support how we think the world works. The Bible is not an instruction manual or a map or any other cheesy metaphor. It is how God chose to tell us His redemption plan. Let’s stop trying to put words in His mouth.

2- God does not keep creating.

Do you know why the scientific method is so successful? It’s because God created a natural world with laws and forces that are self-sustaining. He doesn’t need to keep re-creating. When He does something, once is usually all it takes.

1- It is impossible to prove the existence of God.

Try to wrap this around your tiny, finite brain: INFINITE CONSCIOUSNESS! Let us save you some time and tell you that you can’t. You can point to all the stars and trees and mountains and humans all you want but at the end of the day, all that proves is that those things exist. It doesn’t prove the existence of God. God, in His very nature, transcends existence. We have no words that are good enough to describe him so we use the ones that we have. Every time we try to prove Him, we will come up miserably short.

So you’re probably saying to yourself right now, “I feel less sure now than when I started reading.” Don’t worry  friends because the battle to prove what we believe is not ours. The evidence we’ve been given wasn’t meant to be tested in beakers or measured with rulers. Atheists want to debate creation, the flood, and all the miracles that were done in the Bible and at the end of the day, we can’t prove whether they did or didn’t happen. We think it’s great that science is trying to figure out these things, though. If evolution is ever proved correct, will that change what we believe about the Bible? Certainly not! Does that mean we believe evolution is true? Certainly not!  Our evidence is not built on whether evolution is true or not.  The greatest evidence we have is that God chose to show us His full glory by becoming a lowly human. God bound Himself in a natural body and we can’t find anything more empirical than that. That may not be a good enough answer for you, though. You may be one of those that won’t believe the Bible unless you can explain creation, the flood and the resurrection of the dead. If that’s the case then you will never believe the Bible unless God chooses to give us more evidence. We don’t think it’s fair to demand all the answers to everything in life. You’re missing the point of life if you do. As for us, we don’t need to know all the answers. We’re fine with what God has given us. Why do we believe what we believe? We have a great hope and our hope is built on nothing less than Jesus’s blood and righteousness.

4 Claims Against Christianity That Kinda Make Us Giggle

This post is for all you guys out there that have tried to talk reasonably about your faith and Christianity only to be labeled a “bible thumper” or “Jesus Freak”. We guess some people don’t realize that those are terms of endearment in the community of believers. It’s obvious to us that Christianity, as a whole, is misunderstood by the masses. Some see it as an archaic religion that should have been left dead in the bronze age. They fail to realize that the decision was not left up to us. We didn’t choose for Christianity to bust out of that grave. We don’t make the executive decisions. We’re just at entry-level jobs waiting for that big promotion day.

With that said, even if you tell this to someone who has a clear bias and agenda, they won’t listen. Their minds were made up to begin with. And they are the type of people who make these comical claims about Christians that don’t make us laugh but they sure do make us

                                                          

                                                                                       teehee

# 4:  Christians aren’t very intelligent.

Non-Christian: “So you’re telling me that you believe in a talking snake, a talking donkey and a worldwide flood where some dude and his family got on this big boat with every animal in the world?”

Christian: “Yes.”

Non-Christian: “That’s so obtuse. You need to evolve like me. You can tell I’m evolved because I’m using words like obtuse.”

Christian: “Okay?”

                                            

                                                                   Look at me! I’m evolved!

We’ve all been in a conversation like this and they always seem to turn out one of two ways. Either both parties get really upset and a fist fight ensues or one party acts with humility which in turn makes the other party feel like he or she won the argument. Usually, with both cases, nothing ever gets accomplished except for maybe a few hurt feelings.

                                            

                                                                     or a ruptured spleen

The best way to deal with these types of scenarios is to treat the disagreeing party with humility and love because the Bible says that when you do this it will be the equivalent of dumping burning coals on their head. So if you’re ever in a disagreement with a non-believer and they call you unintelligent, please don’t go dump actual burning coals on their head. It will defeat the purpose.

# 3:  Christians are close-minded

Non-Christian: “I can’t believe you’re against abortion and gay marriage. How can you be so close-minded?”

Christian: “Well, one is murder and the other is an abomination.”

Non-Christian: “But what about human rights?”

Christian: “Since when do we have a right to murder or watch America’s Next Top Model?”

                                            

                               Ok, I guess you have a right to watch this…but don’t push it.

We find this very ironic because Christians are probably the most open-minded people on the face of the planet; not in terms of tolerance but in terms of examining other worldviews and settling on one that makes sense. Christians stake their lives on a book that took at least 1600 years to write. That takes a lot of faith and a lot of faith requires a lot of evidence. The evidence is there, though. God wouldn’t require us to believe with blind faith. So instead of Christians being close-minded, they may just be more reasonable in their decision-making.

                                        

       Oh, did I say Origin of Species? I meant Origami of Species. Here…look at this crane I made.

# 2:  Christians never have any fun

Non-Christian: “You guys never have any fun.”

Christian: “How so?”

Non-Christian: “You don’t drink, you don’t do drugs, you don’t go to parties and wake up the next morning noticing your friends have marked over your whole body.”

Christian: “Ahhh, I guess you’re right. We don’t have any fun.”

                                          

                                                          This guy is having so much fun!

We know for a fact that this isn’t true because when we were in youth group we went canoeing, went to Major League Baseball games and played a countless number of basketball and volleyball games. We even made a trip to Six Flags.

                                                        

                                  That’s us right there, the ones that are about to throw-up.

# 1:  Christians are holding back the advancement of humanity

Non-Christian: “Christians are holding us back. If Christians weren’t against medicine and education we could be light-years ahead of where we are now.”

Christian: “ROTFLSHTIGTHAIHGTHBTASHTGRO!”

Non-Christian: “That’s a new one. What does it mean?”

Christian: “Rolling on the floor laughing so hard that I got the hiccups and I hate getting the hiccups because they are so hard to get rid of.”

This claim is really mind-boggling to us because we don’t know where but evidently a long time ago, word got out that Christians thought reading and medicine were of the devil. This is so absurd that we don’t even know how to retort. So we just act the same way as we do when dealing with a 3-year-old: smile and keep nodding the head hoping they will become interested in that quarter on the ground.

                                             

                                                                      Oooooh, Shiny!!!

 

The NFL Combine and the Bible

While watching the NFL combine last weekend, one couldn’t help but notice the incomparable size, speed and strength of the modern athlete. Today’s football player is, plain and simple, just bigger, faster and stronger than players of yesteryear. Most of the participants were throwing around the standard 225 lb. bench press like it was two doughnuts on the ends of a toothpick.

                                                    

                                                      “Did someone say “doughnuts”?!?”

Lots of players were running sub 4.4 forty times and their verticals were nearing the point that they had to start watching out for low flying aircraft. It was simply amazing to see what the human body was capable of when millions of dollars are on the line.

As we were watching, our minds started to wander (as they do with most things) and we began to imagine what the combine would be like in the times of the Bible. What if the Bethlehem Bombers came to evaluate Moses’ skills? What kinds of drills would they use to evaluate his athleticism? The impulse to find the answers to these questions was too much to handle. We had to know. So we put down our quantum physics textbooks and went to work on more important things. After careful deliberation we feel that we have come up with some good replacement drills that would showcase talents that would be relevant for the times. So get your stopwatches and tape measures handy because this gravy train is leaving the station.

*Replace the Bench Press with…

The Sheep Toss

At the NFL combine the bench press is used to determine strength, particularly upper body strength. Players press a certain weight off of their chest as many times as they can. Now let’s be honest, they didn’t have weights and fancy equipment lying around back then. But you know what was lying around? Sheep. The sheep toss would not only measure upper body strength but would test the core and legs. It would also test patience because for some reason those suckers just won’t hold still. Since we have never participated in a sheep toss we don’t know what a good toss would be but we’re pretty sure we would know one if we saw it.

                                     

                                                               Kilts not required

*Replacing the vertical jump with…

Getting Zacchaeus Down From That Sycamore Tree

In the NFL combine the vertical jump is used to measure leg strength and explosiveness. However there really is no outside motivation for the players to jump higher. That all changes when you’ve got a midget staring down hurling insults at you.

                                    

                  Are we the only ones that picture this guy when reading about Zacchaeus?

 We think Zacchaeus would provide the motivation necessary to get the most out of the athletes because you can only take so much trash talk from a guy half your size before you get the urge to show him your true leg strength by jumping up there and stomping a mud hole in him.

*Replace the 40 yard dash with…

Running through the Red Sea

The 40 yard dash is the measure of sheer, unadulterated speed. Athletes train years to get ready to run a mere 40 yards. That seems ridiculous to us. We’re sure it would have sounded ridiculous to biblical culture, too. There wasn’t a need to run only 40 yards back in the day. No, the true measure of speed back then was not getting caught by what was chasing you.

                                         

                                             No dinosaurs in the Bible you say? Read Job.

In this drill, the athlete would be timed by how fast they could get through the Red Sea while the waters were still parted. But to make it more interesting there would be something chasing them. In this instance, it would be a few hundred bat-crazy Egyptians. This would test the athlete’s speed and agility as they most likely would have to dodge a few spears along the way. This may all sound crazy but it is the only way to measure the skills that were necessary to compete…or at least survive.

                                        

                                                              “Ok, who’s up first?”

We would like to give a shout out to Dan over at the The Navy Christian for highlighting us in his blog carnival. We would like to provide a link to his blog in appreciation for acknowledging ours. If you don’t see it underlined, just click on “The Navy Christian”.