Quick, write down a list of things men do. Name at least five. Got em’? Okay, now compare them with my list. If you didn’t name every single one of these things then you have no idea what it’s like to be a man…Francis.
– Shoot guns: preferably anything over 50 caliber
– Drive Hot Rods: preferably a model in the 60’s and built by yourself
– Chew tobacco: and not the girly stuff you buy in a pouch, the real stuff you grow and dry out on a clothes line
– Work a real job: these include anything that requires a hard hat and overalls
– Eat red meat: medium-rare, no steak sauce
If you got all these correct, congratulations. You’re a real man. But you and your big brain probably already knew that. You’re probably aware of these verses, too. How could you not? God put them there for people like you.
(Ladies, I don’t mean to discriminate. You can do all those things, too. Just make sure to do the dishes afterwards. I’m kidding! Please, no nasty emails.)
#6: 1 Chronicles 11.11
This is an account of David’s mighty men: Jashobeam, a Hachmonite, was chief of the three. He wielded his spear against 300 whom he killed at one time.
Okay, anytime your people are known as the “Hack-Man-ites”, it means you’re doing something right. Or terribly, terribly wrong. In Jashobeam’s case, he did 300 guys wrong at the same time. Except instead of the normal way to annihilate 300 people, like with a bomb, he just used a spear.
#5: 1 Chronicles 11.20
Now Abishai, the brother of Joab, was chief of the thirty. And he wielded his spear against 300 men and killed them and won a name beside the three.
If I didn’t know any better it sounds like killing 300 dudes is just a normal part of the day, like going to the grocery store. The bad thing is I don’t know which one of these I would like doing the least.
#4: 1 Chronicles 11.22
And Benaiah the son of Jehoiada was a valiant man of Kabzeel, a doer of great deeds. He struck down two heroes of Moab. He also went down and struck down a lion in a pit on a day when snow had fallen.
One thing I don’t like is snow. It’s just too cold. But for someone who lives in the desert, much like Benaiah, I don’t think snow is too cold at all. As a matter of fact, he was so excited about the snow that he killed a lion. I applaud him for his enthusiasm.
#3: 1 Chronicles 11.23
And he struck down an Egyptian, a man of great stature, five cubits tall. The Egyptian had in his hand a spear like a weaver’s beam, but Benaiah went down to him with a staff and snatched the spear out of the Egyptian’s hand and killed him with his own spear.
This verse also refers to Benaiah, the snowy lion killer. I don’t know if he was having a bad day or what but remind me not to run into this guy in a dark alley at night. Especially if I owe him some money.
(1 Chronicles 11.25: “And David set him over his bodyguard.” Smart move, David.)
#2: 1 Chronicles 12.8
From the Gadites there went over to David at the stronghold in the wilderness mighty and experienced warriors, expert with shield and spear, whose faces were like the faces of lions and who were swift as gazelles upon the mountains.
I don’t know if this is hyperbole or what but if they actually looked like lions there must have been some terrible inbreeding going on. Or maybe that’s what a man is supposed to look like, strong jaw-lines with a long, flowing mane.
“How’s your mountain climbing skills?”
#1: 1 Chronicles 12.14
These Gadites were officers of the army; the least was a match for a hundred men and the greatest for a thousand.
Okay, that’s definitely hyperbole. The weakest man can take on 100 men and the strongest can take on 1,000? What kind of training did these guys do? You know what, I give up. There are no men on the planet today. If this is what’s expected of me to be a man then you might as well hand me an apron.
(Again, no nasty emails.)